i wanted to be patriotic but i ran out of poppers
I always wanted to win Wimbledon (Taken with Instagram at Echo park Recreation Center)
#254: walk up to a stranger and say “my my my, the tables have certainly turned haven’t they…” giving them a good knowing look then walking away. leaving them to wonder who you are, if they’ve forgotten you, how the “tables have turned,” etc. the key is you gotta move in slow but get out quick, before allowing them the opportunity for questioning.
parks and recreation. thank you.
I realized just by writing my last entry, that I was in fact awake in my apartment when I didn’t need to be and enjoying it. And I wanted to look out my window. *view from a living room window, if you closely you can see Hollywood sign* xoxo
When I lived in my studio apartment in West Hollywood, nothing neccassarily felt wrong but I was constantly wanting more. I felt like my limitation on space was holding me back perhaps from being more creative and just from having more space to breathe and be happy. I always felt at home though, and when I would wake up in the middle of the night sometimes I’d just enjoy being awake in the middle of the night. I’d turn on the TV or perhaps get some food, sometimes I’d just lie there in silence and wait for morning. It was comforting in a way. I had a window in the kitchen where I could see onto Sunset Blvd a little bit and I always felt so alive. I felt like me. Free to be me. But I wanted more. I knew I didn’t have the healthiest lifestyle in the world and I wanted to make some self improvements and felt like I needed to move to make them happen.
A great opportunity came up and I jumped on it. A giant 1 bedroom apartment for only $100 more than I was paying for my tiny studio? Great. I’ll take it. I’ve been here about seven months and I have achieved that healthier lifestyle I was looking for. I have a better and more stable diet, I hardly drink, I exercise frequently, I even take vitamins every day. None of which I did before. I’m ultimately living a happier life. But again, something is missing. I don’t feel that same sense of home that I did in my tiny studio apartment. Sometimes I feel like a guest in my own apartment. It feels different, and a bit forced. I don’t look forward to lying awake at night and I don’t look forward to looking out my window. It’s hard to feel completely relaxed which is probably why I’ve developed such an active lifestyle, so I don’t have to be here as much. But who really knows for sure, it’s all just speculation.
When will anything be enough? When will I feel completely right about something and not have anything holding me back from feeling adjusted and settling in? Does such a place exist? Should I keep looking for somewhere that feels like home or should I commit and force something upon myself that I’m not sure about… but I don’t know if I’m ever sure of anything. That’s what i’m chasing. Certainty. Home. Fulfillment. Belonging. Happiness. Love.
I wish I knew if any of these really existed and if I should continue my search or alter my perspective…
“A Sense Of Place”
*I had to write a paper on a place that was important to me for my photo class and capture the place and feeling through three photos. Here it is….*
When I was a kid I was diagnosed with ADHD, which I still have in a massive way. I decided long ago to not use medication to overcome but to internalize it. Because of this it’s not always easily noticeable that I suffer from an attention disorder. However that would be a different story if someone were to get inside my head. It never stops, not for a second. I can never focus on one thought for too long and when I lose track of what I’m thinking about, my mind fills the blanks with constant songs playing in my head, or repeating the same sentence over and over again until I remember what I was thinking about. It’s fine, I’ve learned to live with it and deal with it and it’s a part of who I am and I don’t think it really has any sort of negative impact on me. Well, not counting the many amounts of high schools I went to and never being able to finish college. What I’m getting at is sometimes it’s hard to find peace and quiet. So I started hiking to get it. Not to mention, Los Angeles can feel like an overwhelming place and it’s so easy to lose track or to let the city kick your ass but sometimes it’s important to remember it’s just a city. And it’s the only city I know, I’ve lived here all my life. My favorite place is the very top of Runyon Canyon. I know it’s cliché and typical and overpopulated… But I honestly don’t care. I usually stay there for a couple of hours listening to music or listening to nothing, and more often than not I bring my camera. When you see the city from up above, and you can crush a good portion of Sunset Blvd in between your thumb and pointer finger, it doesn’t seem so daunting. My other favorite place is behind a camera, capturing things or moments that ordinarily wouldn’t be thought of twice, or again at least. I like to find beauty in something that would otherwise be overlooked.
Another place I was thinking of, was a time when I was young and my parents still spoke to each other and we all lived under one roof and I had more of a sense of belonging. But I decided I didn’t want to try and create something that doesn’t exist anymore. I wanted to stay in reality. I’ve tried so many different ways to escape reality and I don’t want to do that anymore. That’s why I love going hiking. It also symbolizes treating stress and anxiety and ADHD with something healthy as opposed to self medicating with whatever I can find.
It’s five miles from my apartment yet it feels like it’s so far away. No one can get to me while I’m up there. No one can lie to me or hurt me or annoy me. There’s a prayer box where people write a prayer or inspirational note anonymously and leave it in the box and take someone else’s. I have a collection of them. I’m the furthest thing from religious but I am very spiritual and I always leave a part of me in that box. A couple times I’ve just written, “I love my mom.” Because I do. And my main goal in life is to make her proud. And I don’t mind the universe knowing.
Oh top of the mountain, I love you. Thank you for always being there.
Reminder to self : I love incense
When I’m feeling down and alone and perhaps like Los Angeles is kicking my ass off, I need to remind myself of days like these. Days where I get so much done and feel such good energy everywhere I go. Worked at the restaurant for 8 hours for my monitary well being, ran two miles for my body’s well being and hiked four for my mind’s. And snapped a bunch of pictures. I want to remind myself that when everything is working against you, you don’t have to. You can work FOR you.
The Sounds. Always have been and always will be one of my few true loves. <3
“Coop” 2001-2011
You were always so good to me. You never let me down. I’ve had some amazing times with you, and I’ll keep them with me and cherish them forever. My favorite might have been when we went to San Francisco together, just you and me.
If I had known it would be the last time I was going to see you, well.. I never would have left. I’ve created something positive out of a negative, but I can’t get you out of my mind. My mom says I should think of you as an organ donor. But I wish I could have said goodbye.
I hope you don’t think i abandoned you. I hope you know that I wanted you back. I have to get over you. I have a new car that I love, and I’ll be honest, I try not to think about you. It’s just too hard. But I had to write this for you, I wanted to honor you and our time together.
Thank you, Coop. You will forever be in my heart.
<3 <3 <3
I don’t know why getting married and “settling down” seem to usually go hand and hand. I’m 28 years old and I have no intention of getting married anytime soon. I do plan on sharing my life with another person and hopefully a family sometime in the future, but not very soon. However I would like to think that I am settling down. I don’t think of myself as riled up. I know what I want to do and I feel like I work as hard as I can towards it.
On that note, I’ve created a registry for myself. In honor of settling down and building a life with myself. Here are some things that will help me out and tide me over for the next year:
Whole Foods :$100
Gap : $50
H&M : $25
Starbucks : $25
Canon : $2000
Honda : $3000 (my car recently got stolen and I’d like another one)
Ikea : $75
Target : $50
Freestyle Photo : $100
I’m going to leave it at that. Of course the list could go on further, but I don’t want to be greedy.
Thanks everyone! Your support means the world to me and.. me.
Sincerely and with love,
Jenna Goodman Koerner
Maybe it’s the Pinot talking but I could spend the entire night just laughing. Laughing at things that are funny, and things that are not. Sadness, uncertainty, love, loss.. Even going through that list put a devilish little grin on my face. I’m not writing this because I think it’s profound or because I feel like I’m onto something, but simply because it’s true. I just feel like laughing…about everything.
“Remember the first time that I saw you, thinking one day we’ll be the lucky two. I looked at you and your beautiful hair, gimme your hand and we’ll go somewhere. I will take you down to the city for a while, spend the night together by the river on the westside. If i knew then what i know now, maybe one day we’ll say goodbye. So many things that are left unsaid. Remember you naked back on my bed. I will take you down to the city for a while, spend the night together on the river on the west side. I wish you were here.”
I just wanna lie here on my bed. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. If I’m not asleep by now I’m well on my way. I turn on a mindless episode of a show I’ve seen a hundred times, to block out the noise in my head. I do this so that I can just fall asleep, fall asleep and forget about the day and move on to tomorrow. Because who knows what tomorrow will bring… That’s always my motto. But sometimes it brings shit, and sometimes it’s just mundane. But for once, I want to just lie here and think about the day and think about all that happened. And whatever else pops in my head. I want to not stress myself out over waking up on time for work, or moving my car, or making some phone call. I want to lie here until I actually feel like going to sleep, and not a minute sooner do I want to close my eyes. In seven hours I need to wake up, I need to call a bank, go to a DMV, do the dishes I left in my sink, send some emails, put on work clothes and drive across town to spend 8 hours serving people food. But I don’t need to do any of that right now. And I don’t even need to blog.
Right now… I just wanna lie here.
This completely sums up everything i’ve been feeling lately.
I kind of miss when my biggest preoccupation was when I thought the shadows in my room were monsters. Although at the time I know it was actually pretty traumatizing. It’s all relative I guess.
I’ve been studying people a lot lately. I never really used to do this, perhaps I just was never paying full attention. There are so many fuckin people out there. And we’re all crazy in our own ways. And everyone is beautiful. That’s all I’ve got so far…