When I lived in my studio apartment in West Hollywood, nothing neccassarily felt wrong but I was constantly wanting more. I felt like my limitation on space was holding me back perhaps from being more creative and just from having more space to breathe and be happy. I always felt at home though, and when I would wake up in the middle of the night sometimes I’d just enjoy being awake in the middle of the night. I’d turn on the TV or perhaps get some food, sometimes I’d just lie there in silence and wait for morning. It was comforting in a way. I had a window in the kitchen where I could see onto Sunset Blvd a little bit and I always felt so alive. I felt like me. Free to be me. But I wanted more. I knew I didn’t have the healthiest lifestyle in the world and I wanted to make some self improvements and felt like I needed to move to make them happen.
A great opportunity came up and I jumped on it. A giant 1 bedroom apartment for only $100 more than I was paying for my tiny studio? Great. I’ll take it. I’ve been here about seven months and I have achieved that healthier lifestyle I was looking for. I have a better and more stable diet, I hardly drink, I exercise frequently, I even take vitamins every day. None of which I did before. I’m ultimately living a happier life. But again, something is missing. I don’t feel that same sense of home that I did in my tiny studio apartment. Sometimes I feel like a guest in my own apartment. It feels different, and a bit forced. I don’t look forward to lying awake at night and I don’t look forward to looking out my window. It’s hard to feel completely relaxed which is probably why I’ve developed such an active lifestyle, so I don’t have to be here as much. But who really knows for sure, it’s all just speculation.
When will anything be enough? When will I feel completely right about something and not have anything holding me back from feeling adjusted and settling in? Does such a place exist? Should I keep looking for somewhere that feels like home or should I commit and force something upon myself that I’m not sure about… but I don’t know if I’m ever sure of anything. That’s what i’m chasing. Certainty. Home. Fulfillment. Belonging. Happiness. Love.
I wish I knew if any of these really existed and if I should continue my search or alter my perspective…